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Katelin LaMontagne

Top 10 Best Quotes

“She snores, she talks too god damn much, and she tries to cuddle.” John visibly shivers at that, so I nod and continue to state my grievances. “She’s always in my room, even when I’ve told her to stay the fuck out on multiple occasions. If she’s not in my room, she’s dogging my every step, or in my freaking face and asking so many fucking questions. ‘Do we have enough food, Jared? What about ammo? Are you sure it’s safe? What will happen if the monsters got in?’ I just want to go to fucking sleep, and she wants pillow talk after some subpar post coition.”

“It’s like before when there was a huge pile up on the highway, as soon as you got to the point in the traffic jam that you could see the accident, your eyes were glued to the window and you nearly rear ended the guy in front of you so that you can catch a peek at the victims. Sick fucks that we are, we like to witness the suffering of others and say, 'sucks to be them.' We bob our heads to the radio as we open up our engines and tear down the now cleared highway, continuing on with our lives as if we didn’t just witness someone’s spine being scraped off the ground. Come on, you know you’ve done it. Everyone has, and right now is one of those moments.”

“You’re not so much of a shmuck after all, Jarry.” “Thanks, PITA. But you tell anyone that I’m going soft, and I’ll deny it with my last breath.” “Would I do that?” Sarah asks with what she attempts to be an innocent expression, and fails miserably. “Yes,” I say easily. “Yes, you would.”

“You were supposed to be my wingman, not my freaking kamikaze pilot.”

“You do know you’re a woman, right?” I ask. “Are you sure?” Olivia asks with an astonished face. “I thought I had a penis.”

“Who the fuck calls their priest when their son is having a crisis?" "I do, now shut up!" Ma answered.”

“What’s wrong with you?” John asks suspiciously. I give him a ‘what chu talkin’ ‘bout Willis?’ look and he explains. “You just woke up.” I nod. “Walked into the kitchen.” Once again I nod, not seeing what the big deal is. “And didn’t rip apart the cabinets like a rabid squirrel looking like coffee.” I shrug at that, I didn’t even remember it. “What the fuck have you done with my best friend?”

“Time is precious and should be spent doing things that make you happy, not brushing those very moments aside. That’s when you really die, and I plan on living.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know that you had a vagina, I’ll refrain from using vulgar words for now on. How about it smells like pee pee and poo poo, with a little bit of spew, is that better?” “You’re a real character, you know that?” “Thanks, I try,” she says. “Now, let’s get the shi-stuff and get out of here.” “Fine,” I say. “But for future reference, I like it better when you curse. It’s pretty funny to see a pissed off Tinkerbell.” I run from the baseball mitt being hurled at my head, laughing all the way .”

“Patience is a virtue," she replies. "Why couldn't 'hurry the fuck up' be a virtue?”

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Book Keywords:

john, family, love, jared, relationships, sarah, humor, olivia, patience

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