Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse
James Breakwell
Top 10 Best Quotes
“Since zombies are slower than humans, your family should be able to calmly turn around and walk away from danger. That’s the theory. In practice, executing even the simplest maneuver with kids is virtually impossible. They naturally do the opposite of what you tell them, unless they anticipated you’d use reverse psychology. Then they do the opposite of whatever you said. If you understood those sentences at all, you’ve already spent too much time with your children.”
“Do get a copy of this book you can keep. If you use it right, it’ll be covered in dirt and blood splatter by the end. The last thing you need in the apocalypse is a hefty library fine. Don’t tell your friends about this book. You need every advantage you can get over the competition. It’s a person-eat-person world out there.”
“Marriage has a built-in system of checks and balances. The checks aren’t so much like Congress checking a president as they are like one hockey player checking another into a wall. It hurts, but it’s also a wakeup call—assuming you ever wake up.”
“zombies could destroy everything and nobody would notice the difference. I’m looking at you, New Jersey.”
“When I slipped on that wedding ring, I got more than a partner for life; I gained a standing veto to all my best schemes. Marriage has a built-in system of checks and balances. The checks aren’t so much like Congress checking a president as they are like one hockey player checking another into a wall. It hurts, but it’s also a wakeup call—assuming you ever wake up.”
“There will be bills to pay right up to the second civilization collapses and money loses all value forever. Then millions of greenbacks won’t be worth as much as a single serving of beans. That’s why you should toss a few extra cans in your cart every time you go to the grocery store. Someday you’ll be the richest person in the world.”
“The undead are immune to all burns, both physical and emotional.”
“The chances of a zombie outbreak beginning in a daycare are alarmingly high. Toddlers are walking Petri dishes. Every major illness starts with them. They are so contagious that NATO’s current germ warfare policy is to parachute preschoolers into enemy countries. A single runny nose could wipe out North Korea. Little kids have undeveloped immune systems and love to eat food off the floor. To diseases, they’re Disneyland. Put twelve toddlers in a room together and you’ll have the deadliest germ laboratory in the world. Everyone knows the bubonic plague started in a daycare. I don’t see why the first case of zombieism will be any different.”
“Parents have many weapons at their disposal, but only one has the power to destroy anyone or anything in its path. A solider has a rifle. A Jedi has a light saber. A parent has an umbrella stroller.”
“It's easy to predict human actions once you assume everyone is a jerk.”
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Book Keywords:
survival, zombies, humor, parenting
