The Psychology of Romantic Love
Nathaniel Branden
Top 10 Best Quotes
“Never marry a person who is not a friend of your excitement.”
“Perhaps the essence of our evolution as human beings is to keep answering, on deeper and deeper levels, the basic question: Who am I?”
“The concept of romantic love as a widely accepted cultural value and as the ideal basis of marriage was a product of the nineteenth century.”
“So far as we can ascertain, in primitive cultures the idea of romantic love did not exist at all.”
“The tragic irony of people’s lives (this point can hardly be stressed enough) is that the very attempt to deny aloneness results in denying love. Without an 'I' who loves, what is the meaning of love?”
“Romantic love is not omnipotent—and those who believe it is are too immature to be ready for it. Given the multitude of psychological problems that many people bring to a romantic relationship—given their doubts, their fears, their insecurities, their weak and uncertain self-esteem; given the fact that most have never learned that a love relationship, like every other value in life, requires consciousness, courage, knowledge, and wisdom to be sustained—it is not astonishing that most 'romantic' relationships end disappointingly. But to indict romantic love on these grounds is to imply that if 'love is not enough'—if love of and by itself cannot indefinitely sustain happiness and fulfillment—then it is somehow in the wrong, is a delusion, even a neurosis. Surely the error lies, not in the ideal of romantic love but in the irrational and impossible demands made of it.”
“On the deepest level Christianity has always been a fierce opponent of romantic love.”
“It is sometimes argued that since most couples do in fact suffer feelings of disenchantment shortly after marriage, the experience of romantic love must be a delusion. Yet many people experience disenchantment somewhere along the line in their careers, and it is not commonly suggested, therefore, that the pursuit of a meaningful career is a mistake. Many people experience some degree of disenchantment in their children, but it is not commonly supposed that the desire to have children is inherently immature and neurotic. Instead, it is generally recognized that the requirements for achieving happiness in one’s career or success in child-rearing may be higher and more difficult than is ordinarily appreciated.”
“Aloneness entails self-responsibility. No one can think for us; no one can feel for us; no one can live our life for us; and no one can give meaning to our existence except ourselves. To most people, this fact is terrifying. It may be the most fiercely resisted, the most passionately denied, fact of their being. The forms their denial takes are endless: refusing to think and following uncritically the beliefs of others; disowning one’s deepest feelings in order to 'belong'; pretending to be helpless, pretending to be confused, pretending to be stupid, in order to avoid taking an independent stand; clinging to the belief that one will 'die' if one does not have the love of this person or that; joining mass movements or 'causes' that promise to spare one the responsibility of independent judgment and to obviate the need for a sense of personal identity; surrendering one’s mind to a leader; killing and dying for symbols and abstractions that promise to grant glory and meaning to one’s existence, with no effort required on one’s own part save obedience; devoting all of one’s energies to manipulating people into giving 'love.”
“...it is interesting to consider a book published in 1965, called The Significant Americans, written by John F. Cuber and Peggy B. Harroff. Their book is described as 'a study of sexual behavior among the affluent.' In this study, the authors contrast two types of marriage which they encountered: 'utilitarian marriage,' characterized by an absence of mutual involvement or passion, held together by social, financial, and family considerations, made tolerable by long separations, immersion in “community activities,' and sexual infidelity; and 'intrinsic marriage,' characterized by passionate emotional and sexual involvement, a policy of sharing life experiences to the fullest extent possible, and an attitude of regarding the relationship as more interesting, more exciting, more fulfilling than any other aspect of social existence (in other words, romantic love). Partners in an 'intrinsic marriage' tend, according to the authors, to be very selfish with their time, in that they are reluctant to engage in social, political, community, or other activities that would cause them to be separated unless they are convinced there are very good reasons for doing so; they are clearly not looking for excuses to escape from each other. While this type of relationship tends to provoke some degree of envy from those who exist in a 'utilitarian marriage,' according to the authors, it also provokes a good deal of resentment and hostility. The authors quote such hostile sentiments as 'these immature people' must somehow 'be brought into line.' They quote a man trained in psychology as declaring, 'Sooner or later you’ve just got to act your age. People who stay to themselves so much must have some psychological problems—if they don’t, they’ll soon develop them.”
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Book Keywords:
excitement, love, passion, marriage, marriage-advice
