top of page

Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys

Dan Kindlon

Top 10 Best Quotes

“The most important thing to remember, the guiding principle, is to try to keep your son's self esteem intact while he is in school. That is the real risk to his success and to his mental health. Once he's out of school, the world will be different. He'll find a niche where the fact that he can't spell well or didn't read until he was eight, won't matter. But if he starts to hate himself because he isn't good at schoolwork, he'll fall into a hole that he'll be digging himself out of for the rest of his life.”

“I recognize you. You are a boy—full of life, full of dreams, full of feeling.”

“There is an enduring tenderness in the love of a mother to a son that transcends all other affections of the heart. —WASHINGTON IRVING”

“expectations, rules, and requests for compliance often drives the best-intentioned parents over the edge.”

“We build emotional literacy, first, by being able to identify and name our emotions; second, by recognizing the emotional content of voice and facial expression, or body language; and, third, by understanding the situations or reactions that produce emotional states. By this we mean becoming aware of the link between loss and sadness, between frustration and anger, or threats to pride or self-esteem and fear. In our experience with families, we find that most girls get lots of encouragement from an early age to be emotionally literate—to be reflective and expressive of their own feelings and to be encouragement, and their emotional illiteracy shows, at a young age, when they act responsive to the feelings of others. Many boys do not receive this kind of with careless disregard for the feelings of others at home, at school, or on the playground. Mothers are often shocked by the ferocity of anger displayed by little boys, their sons of four or five who shout in their faces, or call them names, or even try to hit them. One of the most common complaints about boys is that the are aggressive and 'seem not to care.' We have heard the same complaint from veteran teachers who are stunned by the power of boy anger and disruption in their classes. Too often, adults excuse this behavior as harmless 'immaturity,' as if maturity will arrive someday—like puberty—to transform a boy's emotional life. But we do boys no favor by ignoring the underlying absence of awareness. Boys' emotional ignorance clearly imposes on others, but it costs them dearly, too.”

“If you ask a boy, 'How did that make you feel?' he very often won't know how to respond. He'll talk instead about what he did or plans to do about the problem. Some boys don't even have the words for their feelings--sad or angry or ashamed--for instance. A large part of our work with boys and men is to help them understand their emotional life and develop an emotional vocabulary.”

“He must also be willing to fight. Even if you have never fought,”

“For too many sons, this emotional breach between them and their fathers remains a lifelong source of sadness, anger, bitterness, or shame.”

“see too many boys who just try to “tough it out” on their own, boys who will not form meaningful connections with others because they have been led to believe that being strong requires them not to feel—and because they have never learned how to think or behave otherwise. And I still see too many men who are unable to be the kind of fathers they want to be. Often these men are hostile to and critical of their sons—despite their desire to behave otherwise—pushing their boys further and further inside a tight box of impossible expectations and denied feelings.”

“schoolwork, he’ll fall into a hole that he’ll be digging himself out of for the rest of his life.”

Except where otherwise noted, all rights reserved to the author(s) of this book (mentioned above). The content of this page serves solely as promotional material for the aforementioned book. If you enjoyed these quotes, you can support the author(s) by acquiring the full book from Amazon.

Book Keywords:

parenting, boys

More Book Quotes:

A Private History of Awe

Scott Russell Sanders

Rousing Cadence

Saru Singhal

On Starlit Seas

Sara Sheridan

bottom of page