Pursued: God’s relentless pursuit and a drug addict’s journey to finding purpose
Michael J. Heil
Top 10 Best Quotes
“What if the solution isn’t quick but lengthy, isn’t easy but painful, isn’t cheap but costly? What if there is no magical solution but a difficult process in which the cost we pay is determined by the choices we make? What if it doesn’t always feel good or make me happy? What if hope and purpose are refined through the trials rather than by avoiding them?”
“The more I “outsmarted” my drug tests and the system, the more messed up I became. The more things I got away with, the worse my problems became. The fact I could manipulate any situation to get what I wanted, when what I wanted, was killing me.”
“The amount of despair we experience when something goes wrong is directly proportional to the amount of hope we have placed in that thing.”
“My goal was to find something that would fill the hole, but everything I turned to seemed fleeting and temporary. The only things that proved enduring were my tenure in the justice system and the consequences of my actions. In my innocent pursuit of lasting pleasure, nothing was lasting except the fact that I became a pothead, an alcoholic, a womanizer, a heroin addict, a smoker, and a bulimic who was completely obsessed with what others thought of me.”
“If drugs, pleasure, and adventure were not capable of providing lasting fulfillment in life, then were relationships? If the right relationships with the right people could not meet my needs, then could wealth, status, or luxury?”
“I was trying to live a meaningful life, but the pendulum upon which I was swinging tick-tocked back and forth between rebellion and pride, enjoyment and arrest, insecurity and proving myself. Like a grandfather clock’s pendulum my life was ticking away. Time was a limited commodity and I wanted to spend mine well, but everything I chose seemed to backfire, shooting me from one end of the spectrum to the other.”
“I was so stuck in my ways, my beliefs, my biases that I was determined to let no one persuade me out of them. Though I couldn’t be persuaded out of them, I couldn’t avoid the consequences of them, either. Drugs, sex, and partying had first been something I stumbled across, something I used to alleviate the dullness in life and the pain of loneliness. Now they were my god, my ultimate objective, my end goal. They were all that I lived for and they were the fuel that got me there. I was willing to risk my future for them.”
“I was not willing to succumb to the monochrome monotony of the goodie-goodie life. I was determined that the rebel life was the good life. As long as I held this belief I would manipulate every situation to enable me to continue pursuing drugs, sex, and partying, despite the consequences.”
“I kept telling myself that I was great, that I was enviable, that I was attractive, and wonderful, but this source of self-worth seemed trivial, because whenever my circumstances changed, so did the narrative that I told myself. It’s hard to think you’re the bomb when your life looks like a bomb hit it. It seemed disingenuous to tell myself that I was awesome when the people around me thought otherwise. In a way, it felt like I was lying to myself. The deep, inward insecurity probed at me, exposing that one opinion —mine or theirs —was not rooted in reality.”
“I hadn’t even taken into consideration how my parents felt. I didn’t know my dad had slept on the couch outside my room to make sure I’d be alright. I was letting drugs divide me against the people who cared about me and worked hard every day to keep me alive and provide for my needs. I put drugs in a higher place than I put my own family. My family cared, the others didn’t.”
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